Birthdays

Soon i'm gonna turn 32. And everytime i think about my birthday i cry.

It's not the age that gets me depressed. It's how different i celebrate it compared to my childhood birthdays. I was always excited, since everything was good that day.

Now it's just a reminder how another year has passed and i haven't achieved anything noteworthy. I haven't even improved. And not only do i see it, my parents do too. Even if they try to be sublte, i can feel their dissapointment.

I think i don't want to celebrate it anymore.

I really want to be a kid again and stay that way.


Neverland, here i come!

New Passion and new Sisters

Not much time has passed since i discovered Super Junior. And wow did i learn a lot! Not only about the Band themselves, but about the fandom too. The Ever Lasting Friends, or ELF.

I miss you

When i was a kid, my mum always told me to take my little brother with me, when i went out to play. I didn't really like it, because i had to take care of him and couldn't concentrate fully on playing. I didn't want him there, but oh boy, if somebody else than me or my family talked bad about him or even tried to DO something to him..... i'd go berserk! I know it didn't seem so, because i was very tiny, but i would have fought with guys three  times bigger than me if it was to protect him.

He followed me everywhere, they even put us in the same kindergarten class because he wanted to be with me! And even though he was younger, i liked having my brother, an ally, a friend, around me.

He was a very sensitive, nice and loyal kid. But puberty and especially teenager can change you. He adapted and then came the divorce of our parents. Both of us coped in different ways. I can't blame him for seeing my way as the goody-two-shoes way. It was the only way i was capable of, the only way i had at the time, to stay true to myself.

We drifted apart. Since we both lived with our mum, he was the only boy at home and together with two strong and stubborn women. I can understand that his knee-jerk reaction was to think that we oppressed him because he was a man. I don't comprehend him, but i understand it, seeing as our father said similar things to him.

So we drifted farther apart.

Nowadays it's not as bad as in it's peak times. But i'm still scared when i have to talk to my brother. He talks with our mother fine, and i'm reaaaally grateful for that, but i can't seem to get the same connection with him. He always think i'm attacking him, making him a guilty conscience or doubting him.

I simply wanted to know how's he doing. I know nothing about my baby brother, except the tidbits i get from my mum. It doesn't feel like i have a brother anymore and everytime i think about it, i cry. I miss him so much.

It's broken. Ok, now what?

I always wondered what i would do when my boyfriend broke up with me (little pessimistic me was sure it was "when" and not "if". . . ).

Don't see you often, but i still love you

Most of my friends i don't see very often. But even so, even if we don't talk (via social media etc), i still know that they would be there for me if i needed them and vice versa. Although i would like to see them more. It's always great to get together with them, talking about things we like without hardly breathing in between, agreeing on things we never thought we would find another person to agree with, talking nonsense to embarras each other etc etc eeetc. Recently i made a new friend and she fits our group perfectly XD She's as crazy and strange as we are :D
I wish we could go to a concert together, dressed hilariously like we used to, and having an adventure on our way to and from the concert. I LOVED these times, and we still like to mentally revisit these adventures. We had our Gothic Lolita Dresses and our "metal" outfits, we talked about JMusic for Hours and liked to imagine what we would do if we ever got to journey to Japan. Those were the good old days ^-^

2008

Today

Friends are the greatest gift one can get

Family ties

I was in Madrid for a few days again, together with my dad and a whole lot of my family, to visit my brother who moved there.

Normal Family Behaviour

My austrian grandmother (aka the one within my reach) is feeling worse and worse each day. She's now in a hospital and my dad (her son) even told me something along the lines of "say goodbye while you still can". Since i'm still not entirely over my fear of leaving my flat i can't go visit her as often as i'd like and you know what i heard today? Seems some of my family members think i'm a coldhearted kid who doesn't care about her grandmother. Yeeeeah right...
Not only do i have to deal with the prospect of losing my granny, my family seems to "gang up" on me again. I really HATE my austrian family. Only real exception is my grandmother. But the rest? They ignored my brother and me when we were eleven and twelve because my parents did one of the most shameful thing you can do in our family, they divorced! You have to understand, that's something you simply DON'T do in our oh-so religious and devout family. And the logical consequence of that was ignoring me and my brother when we met daily in the tight staircase. As if we weren't there. Did i mention that i hate them? *ARGH*