I miss you

When i was a kid, my mum always told me to take my little brother with me, when i went out to play. I didn't really like it, because i had to take care of him and couldn't concentrate fully on playing. I didn't want him there, but oh boy, if somebody else than me or my family talked bad about him or even tried to DO something to him..... i'd go berserk! I know it didn't seem so, because i was very tiny, but i would have fought with guys three  times bigger than me if it was to protect him.

He followed me everywhere, they even put us in the same kindergarten class because he wanted to be with me! And even though he was younger, i liked having my brother, an ally, a friend, around me.

He was a very sensitive, nice and loyal kid. But puberty and especially teenager can change you. He adapted and then came the divorce of our parents. Both of us coped in different ways. I can't blame him for seeing my way as the goody-two-shoes way. It was the only way i was capable of, the only way i had at the time, to stay true to myself.

We drifted apart. Since we both lived with our mum, he was the only boy at home and together with two strong and stubborn women. I can understand that his knee-jerk reaction was to think that we oppressed him because he was a man. I don't comprehend him, but i understand it, seeing as our father said similar things to him.

So we drifted farther apart.

Nowadays it's not as bad as in it's peak times. But i'm still scared when i have to talk to my brother. He talks with our mother fine, and i'm reaaaally grateful for that, but i can't seem to get the same connection with him. He always think i'm attacking him, making him a guilty conscience or doubting him.

I simply wanted to know how's he doing. I know nothing about my baby brother, except the tidbits i get from my mum. It doesn't feel like i have a brother anymore and everytime i think about it, i cry. I miss him so much.

A new love 💙

Since i have waaay too much freetime, i'm on the internet very often. So i knew that KPop existed. I even listened to a KPop Playlist on youtube while i was playing Dragon Age 2 (don't know why but the soundtrack spooked me). But not until this August '18 did i really get into it. Or, to be exact, i got into Super Junior.

I have no idea why it was them, but when i started to read and watch about them, i started to like them more and more.
I'm in a very bad place emotionally again, so maybe that was it. Their brotherly bond, the way they act around one another, laughing, playing pranks, trusting.... Maybe that's what attracted me. They work so hard, and have been working hard for nearly the last two decades (including Trainee days), and they are still themselves.

They are role models for me.

Maybe some day i can experience a Super Show and be part of the saphire blue ocean