I'm still nervous about my visit in Spain,but now it's mixed with anticipation. Firstly because i like journeys in general, and i looove going by train(♥_♥) Secondly, because i had a long talk with a very,veeery good friend. I know that i'm thinking too much now and i plan to enjoy the time in Spain to its fullest! Substitutionery for you too, and especially my friends. Someday i want to show them my second hometown and how it is to live your every day live surrounded by spanish people. Though it's an europian land too, it's so different than the austrian's way of life! Not all of it is good of course (the social constitution e.g. Oo) but despite all that...i just simply fucking LOVE Spain! ! ! (*_*) I can't explain what exactly makes me adore this wonderful country and his people, but maybe i'll be able to do so, when i get back to Austria.
So, have a good time, enjoy life and we'll see us again in two weeks! (^_^)/"
26. Februar 2012
Pleasant(?) Anticipation
Soon i'll visit my mother's hometown, where many of my relatives live. The one nearest+dearest to me are my granny, my aunt and her two kids, my elder cousin and my little cousin ^-^ Its not the first time i go there, not at all! I always stay at my grandmother's place and we go to my aunt's to spend the day, eat, and/or make a trip to (mostly) places within the city. I know all this, i know it so well, and i used to be like "YAY i'm going to see my Family again and wander through the city!!" I couldnt wait to be there.
Last time i went there was nearly exact two years ago. Meanwhile a lot happened. My brother got a girlfriend there and thus he visits them all every ~four/five months. So he knows my families situation as good as my mother. They know the ways through the city and are up to date with all events that are happening there. In short, they both seem to me like real natives.
I love my second home country! But i dont want to go right now. Nearly a week till i leave and i cant bring myself to be happy about it. Well, not as happy as i should. I am afraid. Of what? That, i dont know exactly. But i know that i already/will feel like an intruder to a world unknown to me. I will be the "newcomer", the "outsider" or the "stranger" whom you need to explain everything. Plus, i dont like their cooking ^^° I am veeeery picky and at home in Tyrol i know what the things to eat and to cook that i can eat. But there, i almost end up half an hour after everyone else has finished and my meal seems like a mouse nibbled at it. Its a miracle that i dont die of hunger. But thank God they have this wonderful donuts *drools* Well, back on topic.
I love and adore my spanish family and i want to hug and cuddle them all day long everytime i actually see them. But i know, this time i'll feel like a country bumpkin in Shibuya. . .
I really am ungrateful, arent i? But i cant change the way i feel ^^°
Let's hope it's just some sort of premature home sickness :D
Last time i went there was nearly exact two years ago. Meanwhile a lot happened. My brother got a girlfriend there and thus he visits them all every ~four/five months. So he knows my families situation as good as my mother. They know the ways through the city and are up to date with all events that are happening there. In short, they both seem to me like real natives.
I love my second home country! But i dont want to go right now. Nearly a week till i leave and i cant bring myself to be happy about it. Well, not as happy as i should. I am afraid. Of what? That, i dont know exactly. But i know that i already/will feel like an intruder to a world unknown to me. I will be the "newcomer", the "outsider" or the "stranger" whom you need to explain everything. Plus, i dont like their cooking ^^° I am veeeery picky and at home in Tyrol i know what the things to eat and to cook that i can eat. But there, i almost end up half an hour after everyone else has finished and my meal seems like a mouse nibbled at it. Its a miracle that i dont die of hunger. But thank God they have this wonderful donuts *drools* Well, back on topic.
I love and adore my spanish family and i want to hug and cuddle them all day long everytime i actually see them. But i know, this time i'll feel like a country bumpkin in Shibuya. . .
I really am ungrateful, arent i? But i cant change the way i feel ^^°
Let's hope it's just some sort of premature home sickness :D
25. Februar 2012
Unfocused
Years ago i gave myself the Nickname "Esclava del Chaos" (Slave of Chaos). Part of the reason is that i thought i was .. kind of crazy. Turned out that it is in fact an illness, so it had nothing to do with me being too weak to pull things off. But there is another reason, and this one still exists.
I feel like i'm in the middle of Chaos or some kind of fog. I dont see whats next, what my surroundings really are etc. And thanks to that i cant make plans for the future, i feel shallow too. I feel like beeing surrounded by many,many,gazillions of colorfoul and exciting moments which i can only watch and never get to touch them. For example, when i'm doing something i like, e.g. going to the cinema with friends, i have fun. On the surface. But inside it seems unreal to me. So i laugh and have a good time, knowing that my real laughter and happiness is something else. Am i hypocritical? But i WANT to let all these feelings touch the inside of my heart and not only the surface. I just dont know how to do that.
Well, just wanted to share this with you,since it came to my mind now. But i have to go, so cyu next time ^-^
I feel like i'm in the middle of Chaos or some kind of fog. I dont see whats next, what my surroundings really are etc. And thanks to that i cant make plans for the future, i feel shallow too. I feel like beeing surrounded by many,many,gazillions of colorfoul and exciting moments which i can only watch and never get to touch them. For example, when i'm doing something i like, e.g. going to the cinema with friends, i have fun. On the surface. But inside it seems unreal to me. So i laugh and have a good time, knowing that my real laughter and happiness is something else. Am i hypocritical? But i WANT to let all these feelings touch the inside of my heart and not only the surface. I just dont know how to do that.
Well, just wanted to share this with you,since it came to my mind now. But i have to go, so cyu next time ^-^
18. Februar 2012
Fissures
The last days and weeks (!) were quite peaceful and happy. I felt better and even started to believe i could change and get my life back together. I celebrated a friend's birthday with cakes, sweets, laughter and much fun. My hair grew longer!! In short, all went well.
To be honest, it's still the same. At least the outer circumstances etc. I dont know when it came, but i'm...well, not happy anymore ^^°
Maybe because i learned how some people see life and cope with it. I knew it, but to actually see it and hear about it is something different. I'm not the only one who feels out of place, who fakes her smile to get along with the rest. Yeah, i knew it. Still, it caught me off guard. I know that i cant be of any help, but i so wished to change maybe a liiiittle bit, so life could be a itsy bitsy brigther for them. If i cant do that, what else am i doing here?
(Beware: self-pity) I am a daugther, who only causes inconvenience, a sister who cant gain the trust of her brother, i have no job, i'm doing nothing at all except wallow in self-pity.
I feel so dishonest and horrible. Everyone thinks i'm sweet and nice. But i no longer know if that really is me, or just a fake mask. I know i must be nice to people, well-mannered and have to try to not hurt them. But i no longer know if i do it, because i feel like it or just to be loved by someone. Inspired by the blog a friend of mine wrote, i began to think about all this. E.g. when a beloved person of your friend dies, as a normal human being you should think how awful and heartbreaking it must be for your friend. Ok, i confess, i really think that. But withouth any feelings. At least i dont see them. Then again, who defines what's "normal"? Maybe the strange thing we feel/not feel when someone else is unhappy is "normal"? Who knows, no one can look right into your head after all. Means, it could be that we torture ourselves with these thoughts although its 'ok' the way we are.
So basically i have another gloomy day when i think how unspecial and needless i am, hooray. Good luck i know my medicaments will get rid of these feelings soon enough. Till then, wait and wonder.
But today i'm not only normally depressed, i am soo pissed off too! How can this world, this society dare make my friends feel unwanted or not normal?!? How DARE YOU make them suffer! Make all these kind people suffer!!! I just want them, and me, to be able to do what they want without being afraid of being labeld "crazy" or something. I have to deal with some problems myself, so why cant it happen once or twice that i can actually HELP someone? Again, i dont know if i really want it, or if i just think this way to make people see me as a nice person...But at this point..doesnt matter. I think what i think. At least with these "good" thoughts i could possibly, maybe, perhaps make someone else happy. Since right know i'm just a piece of flesh and clothes that hangs around and freeloads, it would be a nice change -.-
Ok, to finish this big load of verbal crap... I am a girl in a good country to grow up, i went to school, i still have both parents and even a brother, i have friends and i'm not so ugly that people run away shrieking when they see me. All that i know. Still i have problems and for that i am ashamed. Hey really, there are people out there who have to KILL to SURVIVE or some who die of hunger, where i am gaining weight just because i'm bored or sad. And i cant change anything at all.
After all this chaotic nonsense, i leave you with a song of my idol Miyavi. I flout on lyrics, i just like the vibes and feelings music can give off, so i wont post the lyrics. Just listen and let Miyavi's song touch your soul
To be honest, it's still the same. At least the outer circumstances etc. I dont know when it came, but i'm...well, not happy anymore ^^°
Maybe because i learned how some people see life and cope with it. I knew it, but to actually see it and hear about it is something different. I'm not the only one who feels out of place, who fakes her smile to get along with the rest. Yeah, i knew it. Still, it caught me off guard. I know that i cant be of any help, but i so wished to change maybe a liiiittle bit, so life could be a itsy bitsy brigther for them. If i cant do that, what else am i doing here?
(Beware: self-pity) I am a daugther, who only causes inconvenience, a sister who cant gain the trust of her brother, i have no job, i'm doing nothing at all except wallow in self-pity.
I feel so dishonest and horrible. Everyone thinks i'm sweet and nice. But i no longer know if that really is me, or just a fake mask. I know i must be nice to people, well-mannered and have to try to not hurt them. But i no longer know if i do it, because i feel like it or just to be loved by someone. Inspired by the blog a friend of mine wrote, i began to think about all this. E.g. when a beloved person of your friend dies, as a normal human being you should think how awful and heartbreaking it must be for your friend. Ok, i confess, i really think that. But withouth any feelings. At least i dont see them. Then again, who defines what's "normal"? Maybe the strange thing we feel/not feel when someone else is unhappy is "normal"? Who knows, no one can look right into your head after all. Means, it could be that we torture ourselves with these thoughts although its 'ok' the way we are.
So basically i have another gloomy day when i think how unspecial and needless i am, hooray. Good luck i know my medicaments will get rid of these feelings soon enough. Till then, wait and wonder.
But today i'm not only normally depressed, i am soo pissed off too! How can this world, this society dare make my friends feel unwanted or not normal?!? How DARE YOU make them suffer! Make all these kind people suffer!!! I just want them, and me, to be able to do what they want without being afraid of being labeld "crazy" or something. I have to deal with some problems myself, so why cant it happen once or twice that i can actually HELP someone? Again, i dont know if i really want it, or if i just think this way to make people see me as a nice person...But at this point..doesnt matter. I think what i think. At least with these "good" thoughts i could possibly, maybe, perhaps make someone else happy. Since right know i'm just a piece of flesh and clothes that hangs around and freeloads, it would be a nice change -.-
Ok, to finish this big load of verbal crap... I am a girl in a good country to grow up, i went to school, i still have both parents and even a brother, i have friends and i'm not so ugly that people run away shrieking when they see me. All that i know. Still i have problems and for that i am ashamed. Hey really, there are people out there who have to KILL to SURVIVE or some who die of hunger, where i am gaining weight just because i'm bored or sad. And i cant change anything at all.
After all this chaotic nonsense, i leave you with a song of my idol Miyavi. I flout on lyrics, i just like the vibes and feelings music can give off, so i wont post the lyrics. Just listen and let Miyavi's song touch your soul
12. Februar 2012
Power-Up!
Today i was on a demonstration against ACTA ^-^
It was an interesting experience. It was freezing cold so my friend and I were talking and giggling too much to keep us warm. Does that make sense? Well for me, it does. I get hyper and jittery when its so cold. So we stood there, tried to understand what exactly the talkers told us - they talked too low or too fuzzy - and had fun with every stupid thing we saw XD The speech- or better, all i could understand from it - didnt tell me anything new, so i just stood there, while my toes died off. Finally the crowd started their walk through the city. In front of us the car with the organizer and a long line of mainly young people following behind. My friend and i were right behind the car and it was cool to see how many bypassers started to look and tried to read what our signs said. Yes, i know, we wont solve the problem with just walking happily together. But at least we could get more people to know that ACTA exists and the danger it implies. And more news reported about it ;)
It was very cool to see that we could DO something. Not very much, but hey, better than nothing, right? And since i witnessed how the americans killed Troy Davis despite reasonable doubt, i am happy to see that i can trust humanity a tiny bit again. Though, of course, ACTA isnt dead yet. But thats only a matter of time ;)
Charged up with the energy i gained today, i will now go and try to sleep. Lets see if i suceed XD
Bye
It was an interesting experience. It was freezing cold so my friend and I were talking and giggling too much to keep us warm. Does that make sense? Well for me, it does. I get hyper and jittery when its so cold. So we stood there, tried to understand what exactly the talkers told us - they talked too low or too fuzzy - and had fun with every stupid thing we saw XD The speech- or better, all i could understand from it - didnt tell me anything new, so i just stood there, while my toes died off. Finally the crowd started their walk through the city. In front of us the car with the organizer and a long line of mainly young people following behind. My friend and i were right behind the car and it was cool to see how many bypassers started to look and tried to read what our signs said. Yes, i know, we wont solve the problem with just walking happily together. But at least we could get more people to know that ACTA exists and the danger it implies. And more news reported about it ;)
It was very cool to see that we could DO something. Not very much, but hey, better than nothing, right? And since i witnessed how the americans killed Troy Davis despite reasonable doubt, i am happy to see that i can trust humanity a tiny bit again. Though, of course, ACTA isnt dead yet. But thats only a matter of time ;)
Charged up with the energy i gained today, i will now go and try to sleep. Lets see if i suceed XD
Bye
10. Februar 2012
Stuff
Today i want to write about a few things
1. ACTA I know i dont know all the details and that maybe i dont understand all what it means. BUT. I know that when i heard about ACTA (SOPA etc too), i felt a cool chill running down my spine. We wouldnt be able to use the freedom of the internet. Thoughts wont be shared and discussed, some people will never get the help they need (like, post you need a new kidney etc), Ideas wont reach other people...All this and more could happen if they push it through. George Orwell may be off base regarding the date, but as you can see, 'Big Brother' is a very realistic danger.
Tomorrow i'll attend a demo, thats the least thing i can do. Wish us luck ^-^
2. A friend of mine (i mean you little kohaku-chan ;) ) wondered why she updated her blog only when negative things happened. Since i cant leave a comment, i want to answer in this way and tell you too by the way. When you are happy, what do you think about? The things that make you happy. That Life is great. That you could do everything. So you are too preoccupied to think about bad things. When something bad happens, you always wonder, WHY did it happen? Why did it happen to YOU? What could you have done better? So, you see, you automatically spend more time wondering about bad incidents. That doesnt mean that you are an overly pessimistic person. *pokes kohaku*
If this lasts, i think i'll throw a Celebration Party that would outshine Pinkie Pie's Parties! XD
Thats it for today ^-^ See ya
1. ACTA I know i dont know all the details and that maybe i dont understand all what it means. BUT. I know that when i heard about ACTA (SOPA etc too), i felt a cool chill running down my spine. We wouldnt be able to use the freedom of the internet. Thoughts wont be shared and discussed, some people will never get the help they need (like, post you need a new kidney etc), Ideas wont reach other people...All this and more could happen if they push it through. George Orwell may be off base regarding the date, but as you can see, 'Big Brother' is a very realistic danger.
2. A friend of mine (i mean you little kohaku-chan ;) ) wondered why she updated her blog only when negative things happened. Since i cant leave a comment, i want to answer in this way and tell you too by the way. When you are happy, what do you think about? The things that make you happy. That Life is great. That you could do everything. So you are too preoccupied to think about bad things. When something bad happens, you always wonder, WHY did it happen? Why did it happen to YOU? What could you have done better? So, you see, you automatically spend more time wondering about bad incidents. That doesnt mean that you are an overly pessimistic person. *pokes kohaku*
3. I'm making progress!! *yay* I have a cool pocket calender to plan and control my everyday life. This calender fulfills all my needs....Well, almost *fg* And it works, i'm doing so much more things! I'm even in a better mood, nearly every day and almost all day long :D I'm starting to believe that i could move out and get a job this year, and that would be GREAT! More than that, wonderful, marvellous!!!
If this lasts, i think i'll throw a Celebration Party that would outshine Pinkie Pie's Parties! XD
Thats it for today ^-^ See ya
2. Februar 2012
Zelda
I love Games! Unfortunately i cant play them ^^° I'm way too nervous for that (e.g. Legend of Zelda, Resident Evil or such games). Nevertheless i want to see them too, so i beg my friends to play them for me, so i can sit beside them and watch :D
Last game i saw is Legend of Zelda - Skyward Sword. My brother started to play and even asked me to help! Yay XD I seem to be kind of a genius concerning Zelda-Riddles *hrhr* Still not the same as playing myself, but at least i can do SOMEthing. And of course i have my hands free to take pictures. Like this one
Thats my cat Merlin, sitting atop my brother. Seems that my brothers back is a cosy place to him XD And of course he too can observe what my brother is playing ;) So i'm not the only spectator, next time i should make some popcorn *lol*
Last game i saw is Legend of Zelda - Skyward Sword. My brother started to play and even asked me to help! Yay XD I seem to be kind of a genius concerning Zelda-Riddles *hrhr* Still not the same as playing myself, but at least i can do SOMEthing. And of course i have my hands free to take pictures. Like this one
Abonnieren
Posts (Atom)