The Human - A machine made out of flesh and blood

One week ago i had a surgery done to remove my thyroid. Immediately after i felt normal again, was cheerful and i thought nothing had changed. My family was really worried about possible negative effects. So i was relieved that everything went back to normal. Until some days ago, when i was watching Tv with my friends and burst into laughter. I didnt do that since....aaages ago. I laugh, i laugh heartily, but i raaarely burst into laughter to the point where i cannot stop and suddenly everything seems funny to me. And it happened more times!
I am laughing more now, enjoying everything. I smile at people with all my heart and like being out with my friends again w/o the urge to flee from the people around me i dont know. Well, that reflex is still there, but far less than before. Today i even went shopping (for Christmas ^.^) and it was really....nice :)
So i'm thinking now that maybe a little part of my problems came from my thyroid who wanted to get in my way. That's what comes of it *byebye* *harhar* But it is kind of creepy how we function and how every tiny bit of our human machinebody can influence our mood. Did you ever wonder why you are in a bad mood sometimes? Maybe its not that you're not happy. Maybe its just some organ or the like that marches to a different tune? Controlled by a 'foreign' power . . . . Oo    Why do i get the urge to watch Matrix again . . . *lol*

 
Btw: I saw so many cheesy and cute christmas things while shopping and i was in the mood to stop and contemplate or examine them. I found a so damn cute little 'Tv'. It was an old model and instead of an onscreen there was a miniature of a winterly village with people iceskating and such. Similar to this

My tip, go shopping now! But not if you are stressed or buying gifts. Go to look at all the little sweet things that only come out before christmas *g*
Next time i see something like that i'll have my camera with me ^-^

Funny encounters

Went into the city today and saw a few things that made me snort with laughter *fg* Thought i should share them with you ^^

I went by bus and there was an old lady, around 60, whose hair was..really cool XD It had three colours: brown, pink and white. And the mixture was well done because it looked chic :) And then i saw another 'old lady' in the bus who was slightly headshaking to the music of her ipod. That was when i thought, now's the time! As of now the 'granddad/-mum' generation wont merely consist of people who knit nearly everything, make homemade jam, and look totally confused when you talk about computer! The new 'old' generation will be cooler, i wait for the day when i hear two old ladies talk about their facebook status XD

Then i got off and wandered in the streets where i passed the shopwindow of a dress shop. Since its Prom season there are many nice ball gowns on display. Including this one

First....how can you put a female mannequin to sit in THIS position? And second....with this transparent dress! You can nearly see her nonexistent private parts XD XD XD

That's it. Next time i see something strange i'll tell you again ;)

Btw, are non-christians allowed to celebrate Christmas? After all it should be a festival of love and toghetherness..

Free again!

I spent the last few days in the hospital. Nothing serious, but i got to value my homelife much more.
The nurses were very friendly and funny and they did all to make me feel comfortable. But still, if you have to stay all day in an hospital, where you are surrounded by sick people and this sterile smell....It wasnt an awful stay but still, nothings better than home ;)
But during these days i got the chance to relax a lot, without! Tv or internet. Didnt even know i could do that XD I read a lot, got maaany visitors (i have the best friends one can imagine *g*) and slept a lot. So now that i am back home, i have to suppress the urge to kiss my PC and TV *lol*  At the same time, arent we very spoilt? The kid i have to babysit is unable to spend time without the internet. I saw it with my own eyes and couldnt believe it. When i was his age i had more things to do.Ok, they already were very bound to the computer but still. I read, played games (game console or board games), went out and played stupid childish things with my friends...If this continues like this, how are my children going to play someday in the future? Sitting in a chair, virtual reality helmet on and not moving an inch? O.o Queer notion...
I think i'll start a list now what my kids will have to do: watch Star Wars and Indiana Jones, play Mario and Final Fantasy, play Double Dutch and make prank calls, sit in a cafe and talk about cute boys/girls who pass by....*g*

Done

I did it!

Before and After ^-^ Now this symbol will accompany me for the rest of my life and always remind me that i have the strength to fight on and live my life the way I want. And besides, i really like it, its a nice body decoration XD
I'm too lazy to write more than this today ^^° So have a good night and wonderful dreams ^.^

If you're happy...

The last few days were quite great ^-^
I'm no longer in the mood of stuffing myself with sweets, i am doing my chores and going to appointments, i even think i'm not that unsightly! I like the length of my hair (its getting longer, finally!) i dont dislike my face and my body could be worse *g* I sleep more regulated (yuhu) and my room is more tidy than usual...aaaaaand *drum roll* i just fixed the date for my second tattoo!!!! Yucheee yuheissasa hjleraerhldk XD

It will be this little shadowhunter rune (from The Mortal Instruments) and i'll get it on my wrist *yeah* And the icing on the cake is that i'll go shopping tonight with two wonderful and cunning girls. Sometimes life can be good to me *sigh* =^-^=

Mucc needed

Long ago, my friend recommended Mucc to me. Thanks to her i too had a music to help me in sad and very troubled moments. When i'm desperate or just down their music helps me a lot. Dont know why

Today was the first day after so much time that i needed these guys to comfort me. I am going my way in life. I know i cant go very fast and most of the time now i spent waiting. But hey, at least something, right? Still, since my family (aware or unaware) always reminds me to consider THEIR feelings about THEIR bad situation (=having to deal with me) i sometimes get the feeling i'm drowning. Yes, i try to understand them, and they sure have a lot of trouble thanks to me. But whats with me?! The Girl that is living under these circumstances?? Can't i too expect some comprehension and patience? I try to appear as stable and normal as possible, but dont they know that inside i'm crying and screaming for help? Dont they know that i am desperate because i cannot be ME, i cannot do the things i want to, i cant be independent?!! And then in all seriousness they expect me to comfort them when they are troubled because they dont understand me??? Sure......
Well, sometimes in a while its good to cry your heart out. Someday it will get better. And maybe someday even my mum recognizes that this situation is bad, EVEN FOR ME -.-
At least i hope so

Sad news + new friend

Today, eeearly in the morning Troy Davis was executed after a 4hour delay. I still cannot believe it. Georgia executed a person although there were so many doubts, you could have filled the Grand Canyon with them! That means, they simply killed him. Just because they wanted to, or didnt want to lose their face, or...dont know what. But he may have died, his spirit did not and everyone who was touched by it will fight for the abolition of the death penalty!

No Human should be allowed to decide about another humans life or death! Thats a thing solely nature should do.
All this has strengthend my goal to become someone who can at least fight against this kind of unjust and inhuman things. I know we will lose many, maaanys times. But if from 100 times we try, one results in e.g. the aboliton of death penaltie in ONE country, it was worth it.
Many people told me that i was a naive girl, to believe that i could change the world. But they are wrong, i AM able of doing so. Because even the littlest things can change something. And so i am going to do piece by piece ^-^


Next topic for today: I "baby-sitted" for the first time! He is the 12year old son of a friend of my mum and he is a nice kid. It was interesting to be responsible for him. I constantly thought, did i say the right thing? Did i treat him right? etc. etc. etc. But in sum it was a nice evening. The only bad news is that he doesnt listen to me when i say he should go offline. Oh boy, he never wanted to let the laptop go! He wanted to show me things (..ok) and then he wanted to finish reading/watching something while i was waiting for him to come to eat. When he finally began eating, it was nearly cold -.- Well, at least i know what my weaknesses are. Now i'll have to train my voice and attitude to sound more convincing. Wish me luck! *rofl*

New Band + new purpose

I'll start with the positive thing: Looking for a japanese ex-band-member i found a new Band ^-^
An Cafe was one of my favourite JBands. Their sound was just so ... "lets party! Be happy!" So i went to two concerts where i saw my favourite band member live: Kanon. Since then i couldnt forget this guy. He is kind of cute (although he's not super handsome, i saw the pics w/o makeup. but still cute ^.^) even in his shy way of talking and gesturing and he is funny. So after the band split up i wanted to know what he does now. He set up a new Band together with Kanon Wakeshima. And their Band Name is Kanon x Kanon *lol* So i listened to the few first songs (e.g. Calendula Requiem). I like it! And btw i listened to Wakeshimas Songs too, and i like them also! Yay me, found new good music sources XD I need more good music for my mp3 player, all the songs i have on it sounded out X.x

The thing which saddend me today was the case about Troy Davis. He is going to be executed for a murder he almost surely didnt do. He is said to have killed a police officer. I think that means that the authorities wanted a suspect as soon as possible and didnt do their investigations as thouroughly as they should have done it. And to fulfill the cliché, the suspect is black -.- Now he'll be killed although there are many facts who at least let you doubt that he did it:

• Four witnesses admitted in court that they lied at trial when they implicated Troy Davis
• Four witnesses implicated another man as the one who killed Officer MacPhail
• Three original state witnesses described police coercion during questioning, including one man who was 16 years old at the time of the murder

In dubio pro reo means that if you are not sure that he commited this murder, you shouldnt kill him!! Despite that they rejected his plea for, well not to kill him already a few! times.
Why does anyone want to kill a man this bad? Just to be able to say, we got the bad guy? The dead victim now rests in peace? B***sh**. A dead person is DEAD. I dont think it matters to him what happens on earth, since he's longer around -.-

Ok, enough of that. As concluding words i want to add that i may have found what i want to be/work as in my life. Someone who tries to stop such people!

^-^

Noise

Playing with my family UNO today i realized...I like a noisy family life! My spanish part of the family is very loud, talks much and expresses her/hisself loud and clear *g* Compared to that the austrians are....well, quiet. They dont talk much about their feelings or what they think and when they come together in a reunion or something like that, all they speak about is who got married, who got kids, who got which job etc. At least the families i know are like that.
This kind of living together downright disgusts me. I think in a family you should be loud and say what you think and be crazy and stupid. For what else does a family exist if not for being as you are, sometimes even dumb or annoying? At the end of the day, your family will still be your family, so you dont have to fear that they'll leave you just for being stupid once. And they'll know that normally you are not like that. And when you have to be quiet even with your parents and siblings....i think i would go crazy. You just need someplace where you can go crazy protected.
And then there are families who arent quiet because they dont dare to talk about feelings etc, but rather because they dont care much. They are too concentrated on their own life or already grown so apart that they dont coexist as a unit and are more like a living community. I think thats a very sad situation because they actually like each other, in some kind of way.
Either way, family is important. And their level of noise too XD So i want to be a mother whose children can ask me anything (i wont answer EVERYthing, but they may ask *gg*), shout because something makes them angry or sad, and tell me what they REALLY think. It will be very exhausting and i'm sure i'll get nerve damage and premature tinnitus, but at least i'll know that my kids will live as the persons they want to be ^-^

Weird

Yesterday i bought the utensils for my fathers present, cloth and ribbon. Thought that i could make him an Omamori. If I make it myself i can make it just for him, for what he needs. At times when i'm in a bad mood, i think i should wish him mental sanity. When i'm in a sad mood, it's sense/realization. But i must remain neutral, so i think it should be something like...luck with the job or luck with his life in general. Sounds really stunning -.-

Everytime i think about this situation, i have to refrain from laughing. Not a happy laughter. Its just too strange.


When i was little, the world was entirely ok. The only problems i had were the presents i didnt get at christmas, the sweets i wanted to have etc. My mum was strict but kind and my dad was like a big clown and sometimes even a hero to me. I knew i was being protected. Then came the time when i suddenly had to realize that my dad had exchanged his/my family just to be with another woman. And he began to change. Everything my brother and i said was a subtil attack from my mother to him. So we could no longer speak normally with him. He wanted us to chose one side, but hey, which child can do that?!? I think this was the time when we started to drift apart. He no longer knew who his kids were and we only got to know that our father saw us as nice to play with but very expensive and complicated to deal with. As time went by our relationship became more and more difficult. The only thing he now knows about me (or thinks to know) is that i only want his money and his problems dont matter to me. And the only thing i still know about him is that he only sees me 1) as a clone of my mother 2) as a money-hungry leech
And now, after countless times of trying to get through to him, i couldnt stand it anymore. He told me that he no longer has obligations regarding us kids. After all, we already are full-aged... Seems like he thought all we should do now is visit him, show him that we love him, have fun with him and his family etc.Being all love, peace and harmony stuff -.-
I just cant do that. I'm no person who can ignore the negative things and act as if nothing happened. And it hurts me to deal with my father, when he no longer sees me as his kid, whom he has to protect and take care of. Especially now i would need his help. I'm in a really difficult situation, and i cant even explain to myself what the problem is. So i need every help i can get. And one of the persons who should be my crutch ignores that i am in need of support.
So now in a few days he'll celebrate his 50th Birthday. Since my brother is going to attend i'll give him my present to take with him. Still, its a weird situation.
Does everybody have this kind of trouble?? Sometimes i think it would be a lot easier if i were an animal. A  pantheress would be nice :)

Need new Motivation

I decided to make another 'Cosplay', or better another dress. I noticed that since i came back from the festival where i wore my last Cosplay (Mikaela) i slept too much. Normally i woke up at 2p.m. and that's far too late Oo Not to mention the fact that i overslept some urgent duties ^^° That's not good, so i need something i can look forward to when i first think about getting up.That's harder than you imagine Oo Especially when you dont go to work/school -.-

My other ideas for spending my time are beginning to write a new story (with an old idea XD), making many photos of the dog we are taking care of (he's so tiny cute and full of energy ^-^) or redecorating my room. Lets see if i find the needful motivation to do some of these things XD

Encounters

Since a few weeks we got a little stalker outside our house. Nearly everytime i go home, he's sitting in front of our front door. The moment he sees me he starts running away so i never get to know him better. But he's cute ^^ He even tried to enter our house once, when my mum left the door open. Sneaky little one :D
So now i got something new to look forward to when going home:

I'm trying to get his confidence so i can pet him at least once. I wont give up XD

Sad because you are

When people i like suffer, i dont want to frighten them. I want to be their support, so i have to be strong. Show them that they can always rely on you and dont have to worry.
But its not that easy. My friends are very, veery dear to me. If they get hurt, or worse, hurt themselves (consciously or unconsciously) it makes me sad. Why cant they see what i see, how great and wonderful they are!! And why cant they see that it makes me want to cry if they dont value their life and their happiness?

Its hard to have friends you love, but its worth it

And i'm soo glad no one ever reads my Blog ^.^

Father

Whats a father? The man who contributed in making you? A person you can rely on and who supports you?

For me, its the same as with the term 'family'. I dont like and even hate some of my so-called family (= blood relatived family) so i chose to define Family, as well as father, otherwise.

I remember my childhood being very happy, colourful and lively ^^ It was a really beautiful time where we all were together and had fun and my brother and i were safe from everything bad.
Today, my dad is another father. He doesnt know me, doesnt even care. Not because he doesnt like me. No, not at all. He only cares for himself much, much, MUCH more. When i tell him i'm ill, he says he's worse. And he complains how he has to deal with all this, his illness, and mine. Funny, because he hardly sees me. Everytime i talk with him, i try to be neutral and not angry at him. But all he ever talks about is how life sucks for him, how everyone is against him, and if i dare to ask him for help, i'm one of the people who doesnt let him live in peace. If i tell him, i would like to see him more often, he tells me that he gets nearly bullied at work and doesnt have time for me. And when i wait for him to call me, he says i never talk to him and that he's such a poor father because of his daugther that neglects him.

So for everyone out there, who has a father, that yells sometimes at you, because he's worried about you, who asks you what you do and where you were eeetc...Enjoy it!! Your dad CARES about you! That's something not everyone has

Happy Fathersday to all of you who deserve to be called Dad

Adventures

Do you know this feeling when something you see/hear/etc triggers a strong longing for....something you cant really name?

Today i remembered the time when i was reading The Mortal Instruments and Clockwork Angel. I love this world Cassandra Clare created! I love fantasystories since i was born, but not the cheesy ones. The ones where the protagonists face different troubles, physical and emotional ones. Where the heroe is someone who could live next door. And then they enter a world of unimaginable fascination and get to know a new side of themselves, one that is more brave and stronger, just like everybody else wants to be.
And now, everytime i remember one of Clares Books, i feel this longing for...I dont know exactly what. Partly i want to experience the same kind of adventures they do, and partly i want to meet the people in the books. They are so cool and brave, i would love to get to know them (if they were real of course). And not to forget, i want to see the hot guys Clare describes *g* Magnus *shriek* XD
To put it briefly, i like my life how it is. More or less. But i wouldnt be sad if it would have more kind of 'adventures' in it. My life is alright, but it seems so boring sometimes. I want to do something that can change the world or at least something important so that people notice me. I know, it sounds pathetic. But be honest, dont you want to be a hero sometimes too? ;)

Jane Austen

Last week i rediscovered Jane Austen (watching 'Becoming Jane'). The films, not the books. That's another topic i'll have to deal with later.

I finally watched Pride and Prejudice and yes, the people were right to recommend me the movie. I love Keira Knightleys Performance and the whole actors way of speaking british english. In Pirates of the Caribbean Keira annoys me a bit, but in Pride+ she's rebellious, laughs with her sister like normal siblings and in total, she seems more...natural. And Mr. Darcy! Oh he's so damn cute with his inability to show his true emotions (or any emotions at all XD). When he confesses his feelings in the rain he's so sweet :D

Sense and Sensibility is a film i watched when i was a child and i didnt understand what the movie really was about. Now i fully understand and i like it. I even shed some tears when Elinor learns that Edward already is engaged. And later, when he tells her that he didnt marry and loves her. Oh and of course Mariannes Misery is very sad, but Colonel Brandons quiet and unfullfilled longings for her seemed more woeful to me.

I'm trying to find an Emma film, but until i accomplish this goal i'll want to watch Northanger Abbey. Persuasion is also a name on my To-Do-List.

Viewed this way, i'm filling another gap in my general knowledge, so wish me luck and a nice movie evening XD

New Project

I started my new Project "Mikaela". It's a Cosplay from a Manga i really admire. And her character is weird and selfish, so she's a real fun person to perform, cant wait to try :D And the best of all is, she has a wonderful dress, with a nice wide crinoline and it's not too hard to make. I hope O.o

 Already started yesterday, it's just a bit hard to sew and pitch without someone who helps me or without a tailor's dummy. So wish me luck that i can make it into a real nice dress that fits me ;)

Little Secrets

When you walk through your town, you only see the big things. The buildings, a crowd of people, the sky. But if you look closer you can discover some interesting things.
I was at a friend's place some while ago and he had this wonderful clock

I love this kind of clocks, but i never saw one in real life. Now i found it in a place i would've at least expected it.
You never know where you find such things, but nobody cares. Nowadays everyone has stress and has to rush from one place to another. They dont have the time to stop and look around. I think they miss very much!

Loving your 'Home'Country

Whenever somebody says, "I'm a Tyrolean/Spanish/etc" i wonder, who am I? I love Tyrol, the mountains, the green scenery, the nature in general, the cities, the social security, the tranquility, etc etc . But i hate the way the Austrians behave. They dont say what they really think about you, they only bitch around from behind. They are lacking passion and fieriness, and are on the whole....like cold ice. If they like you, or if they hate you...You only get to know if you torture them to say it directly to you. Well, more or less.
On the other hand,spanish people do whatever they do with all their heart. If they love or hate you, be sure, you'll definitely notice! Their love is something i really miss. Especially the love of my family. They would do everything to protect me, or someone of our family! But if they hate you, they make sure you'll curse the day you met them. And the situation in Spain at the moment isnt very good. You're lucky if you have a job. And if not...poor you. That's one of the reasons why you get robbed nearly everywhere.

I love both Countries, i think my spanish temper and my austrian calmness can sometimes really coexist. But everytime somebody asks me from which country i am, i dont know what to answer..

Different Point of View

Ever wondered how animals see our world? For example my cat. The only thing he seems to care about is eating (a loot), sleeping (22/day) and looking dumb through big beautiful eyes XD But every now and then he suddenly looks up and stares intently at the wall/etc. I never get to see what draws his interest. Sometimes i wonder if he can see spirits. Or just extremely small spiders ^^

 And when he's awake, my little boy can be very cute =^.^=

Family

What's Family? If you have luck, your blood relatives. But what if they arent people who care about you like a family should?
There are many people out there. If you look closely and stay the way you want to be, you'll find some who will be your friends. Your best friends. Your true family.

I wish you luck to find them. And dont despair, for every single person there is a true family out there!

Changes

I am impressed of the changes a person can go through. Remember Miyavi, young, crazy and seemingly insane? XD

Well, he turned into a more adultlike singer, doting father and husband. Though he still seems to be miyavi-crazy ^.^

He still is my hero, my model! He changed so many times, but he never changed how he is. He will always be an energetic, outgoing, openminded crazy little boy who has a biiig heart.

Love you Miyavi!!!!

Welcome home Spring!

Winter is a nice season, you can play in the snow, drink hot wine punch and celebrate christmas. But Spring is a different kind of pretty season. Colours are sprouting where some days ago there only was grey and pale scenery. And since i really LOVE colourful things... i'm pretty happy right now ^.^