Tonight my favourite soccer team lost.....It was a looong game, very thrilling but the referee seemed to be a) blind or b) not very objective *grrrrr* And i can't stand the winner's team, FC Bayern München. I know i shouldn't be immature and that they just did their job, but still. I can't stand them!! Especially when they beat my beloved Real Madrid ....
Besides that something else made me loose the (very!) good mood i had today. How can some people NOT understand that when you ask them for comfort, you don't want to hear that life is just that bitchy and that you should cope with it. No thank you! If i especially ask for comfort, i DON'T want to hear the reason that made me sad. The argument "But hey, i don't want to lie. Life really is that stupid" is invalid.
I'm not stupid, i already know that -.- Bäh, i'm just pissed right now. It was such a good day and it ended horribly.
It was sunny, the wind was fun (it was strong *g* and nearly blew me away XD), i found a manga i was searching for (Adekan Vol. 4),
could delete some things from my To-Do-List and met two good friends *kisses* In Short, one of the rare days where everything just goes well. Till tonight -.-
*sigh* I hope i won't meet people who liked Bayern München winning tomorrow, the mood i'm in wouldn't be good for their health...
I think it's time for me to go to bed and forget this defeat. Wish you all a good night ^-^
I am a very enthusiastic Person so if i like something, i like it very ... let's say 'intense' ^-^
Now i found a new TV series that thrills me. Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you
Since i read the Tweets of one of my favourite Authors, who admires, ADORES this series, i already knew for a long time that there was a BBC series about Sherlock Holmes. But it took a coincidence to make me watch it. Thank God! XD
The Story in short: Sherlock Holmes and Arthur Conan Doyle never existed, the series begins in today's London. Military Doctor John Watson just returned from war and is looking for a place to live. A friend introduces him to Sherlock Holmes and together they rent a room in Mrs. Hudsons house. Sherlock, the extraordinary yet very arrogant "consultant detective" and John, the calm, bit sarcastic and down to earth Doctor, completely Sherlocks antipole. Together they investigate cases and experience all kind of situations, meet quirky *g* people etc, eeetc.
This unique mix captured my interest from the beginning. I love Sherlocks Behaviour, how he sometimes insults without noticing, just because he's so DAMN intelligent-genial XD
And all the while Watson is by his side, observing and commenting ^-^
Kind of spoiler, but everyone who knows the books/films should know her: Besides Sherlock of course, my favourite character is Irene Adler.
Lara Pulver portrays her as a cool, intelligent and beautiful femme fatale. She really is on a par with Sherlock :D To tell more would be a real spoiler, so i have to stop now.
Since i was ~14 years old, i knew him. He was a good friend for my mother and a great help in official things, since she didnt know how to defend herself very good at that time. One big part why i respected him so much was that he was by my mum's side in the worst moment of her life. I was a little kid, i couldnt do much, so i felt relieved when i saw her smile again.
One Saturday morning he came to eat breakfast with us. He even brought some special little fancy cakes :D That's how the tradition started. Since then he always came with these sweets and did eat with us while telling us unfunny jokes only he could laugh about. But it was funny to watch him *g* He was like the spirit of a young tomboy in the body of an adult man.
There were many times when my mum and him argued hard. After that always came the periods where they avoided each other during weeks, even months. But still, we all knew for sure that if something had happened, he would have helped us. Everytime my mum went on vacation and my brother and i were alone at home, my mum and him, both told us to ask him if something seems wrong. He helped my brother when he had to go to court (a boy beat him up and he lost part of his teeth -.-). Since he was well-known and had good contacts, he could always tell us a way to solve problems (financial and juridical ones,concerning health etc). He helped me coooountless times when i had to argue with my father about the damn money. I was so happy that he got angry, everytime he heard how our father treated my brother and me. He REALLY cared about us and liked us! I feel helpless without him because he was my *g* knight in shining armour concerning suing my dad.
I think i should have tried to get to know him better. He was scorpion (zodiac) like me. We always joked about him being my real father, because we had the same eye colour.
I didn't know him as good as my mother did, but still enough to miss him. Everytime someone mentions 'lawyer'. Or 'gun'. Or 'suicide'.
Rest in peace, wherever you are
Yesterday i was chatting with a friend, when he asked me a question, one that startled me a bit. "How do u think your life will be after you get 'well' again?" Sounds quite normal and easy. But thinking it really through....some friends will treat me differently, my mum'll treat me less kind and protect me less, some people will like me more because i'm ok again etc, etc. In short, my life WILL change and there won't be only good ones. I realized that this frightened me and maybe that's one of the reasons i have such difficulties in trying to change.
BUT, besides all these new questions i realized another important thing. There was a new way of looking at things in my brain (figuratively speaking). It seemed like there suddenly *puff* appeared a new door to a different way of living and seeing life. And i thought, maybe there are even more of these doors? Maybe the times i feel really depressed because i dont see a way to get through the troubles, i just didnt look hard enough? Knowing that there might be countless other possibilites to master the hardships of life gives me hope and courage ^-^ Even in times i'm stuck in complete darkness, it's good to know that there is light, altough i might not be able to see it.
Just wanted to share this with you, might help you too a bit :D
I'm still trying to cope with the latest events, but in the meantime, let me tell you some GOOD things :D
There are so many things i can't wait to see/read/experience this year! ! ! First, the two Snow White Movie Versions: Snow White & the Huntsman Mirror Mirror
Just the SW&tH Soundtrack from the Trailer drives me crazy XD It makes me want to a) see more of the movie or/and b) go to war *lol* Such music always makes me jittery
And i want to see "Mirror, Mirror" 's Evil Queen Julia Roberts! I love this actress and i like the way she interprets the wicked stepmother *g*
Then there is of course "The Hunger Games" which premiers this week. The HG Trilogy are my favourite books, they impressed me in such a damn strong way that i'll never be able to forget them. So i hope the movie turns out good ^^°
Next is the upcoming Emilie Autumn Concert in my hometown in two weeks :D It'll be the first time i'll be able to witness her show, so i'm pretty excited ^-^
And right after her show, the second season of "Game of Thrones" starts!!! I think i won't go to sleep before midday that day XD
At the end of april "The Avengers" is going to start in our cinemas and i know for sure that i won't go alone to watch this film. Nearly every male friend of mine and many females waited for ages for this movie to come out!
In August i'm supposed to attend the Wacken Festival, if we can get tickets that is. I hope we'll be lucky, it would be such a deep impression and experience! Plus i would be going with my boyfriend and my best friend! Let's keep our fingers crossed ^^°
There are more movies etc but right now i only remember one last important release date, Nov/Dec 2012. Clockwork Princess. Yeeeehaa!!! The last book of the "Infernal Devices" series from genius Cassandra Clare! Could be a wonderful birthday or christmas present *gg*
That's it for now, next time i'll get hyped up by some movies or stuff like that i'll tell you again ;)
I got home today from my trip to my family in spain. It was a really fun time, i got time to play with my cousin and went with here to an amusement park (3x3 really cool/frigthening rollercoaster, i'm great! XD) and i got to understand the situation spain and my family is in right now (sad, pessimistic and dangerous) a lot better.
But during these two weeks, there was always a thought at the back of my mind. . . The second day in Madrid, we got an early phone call. My mum told me that one of our dearest friends shot himself with a rifle. In his office. His cleaning lady found him.... I still cant believe it. It sounds like a CSI chapter. Even the details, which i dont want to remember again writing them down. But i had to forget all about this, to not let it spoil (. . .) my trip, which my mum bought for me as a present. Besides, my granny was grieving enough for us both. I couldnt let my sad thoughts deepen her pain. Or the pain of my mum, aunt. . . So i packed it away. But now i'm back at home, where i could let the tears flow without (many) restriction. Still, i know i wont be able to fully believe it. He was rich, admired, loved, successful and he laughed so much!!! He seemed to enjoy life to its fullest!! Everything i thought i knew about him stands in complete contrast to the way he chose to die. And we dont even know why!! I'm so sad, and angry. He left us, his friends, his three sons and his wife and many, many more behind, without even explaining why!! I really cant think about a reason why he was driven to such a harsh death. . . Except maybe an incurable lethal sickness. But i'm afraid, we'll never get to know it.
I just had to write this down, it's a form of letting the sadness out too ^^°
You never know what your friends, the one's you think are so close to you, really think. Love them while you can
I'm still nervous about my visit in Spain,but now it's mixed with anticipation. Firstly because i like journeys in general, and i looove going by train(♥_♥) Secondly, because i had a long talk with a very,veeery good friend. I know that i'm thinking too much now and i plan to enjoy the time in Spain to its fullest! Substitutionery for you too, and especially my friends. Someday i want to show them my second hometown and how it is to live your every day live surrounded by spanish people. Though it's an europian land too, it's so different than the austrian's way of life! Not all of it is good of course (the social constitution e.g. Oo) but despite all that...i just simply fuckingLOVESpain! ! ! (*_*) I can't explain what exactly makes me adore this wonderful country and his people, but maybe i'll be able to do so, when i get back to Austria.
So, have a good time, enjoy life and we'll see us again in two weeks! (^_^)/"
Soon i'll visit my mother's hometown, where many of my relatives live. The one nearest+dearest to me are my granny, my aunt and her two kids, my elder cousin and my little cousin ^-^ Its not the first time i go there, not at all! I always stay at my grandmother's place and we go to my aunt's to spend the day, eat, and/or make a trip to (mostly) places within the city. I know all this, i know it so well, and i used to be like "YAY i'm going to see my Family again and wander through the city!!" I couldnt wait to be there.
Last time i went there was nearly exact two years ago. Meanwhile a lot happened. My brother got a girlfriend there and thus he visits them all every ~four/five months. So he knows my families situation as good as my mother. They know the ways through the city and are up to date with all events that are happening there. In short, they both seem to me like real natives.
I love my second home country! But i dont want to go right now. Nearly a week till i leave and i cant bring myself to be happy about it. Well, not as happy as i should. I am afraid. Of what? That, i dont know exactly. But i know that i already/will feel like an intruder to a world unknown to me. I will be the "newcomer", the "outsider" or the "stranger" whom you need to explain everything. Plus, i dont like their cooking ^^° I am veeeery picky and at home in Tyrol i know what the things to eat and to cook that i can eat. But there, i almost end up half an hour after everyone else has finished and my meal seems like a mouse nibbled at it. Its a miracle that i dont die of hunger. But thank God they have this wonderful donuts *drools* Well, back on topic.
I love and adore my spanish family and i want to hug and cuddle them all day long everytime i actually see them. But i know, this time i'll feel like a country bumpkin in Shibuya. . .
I really am ungrateful, arent i? But i cant change the way i feel ^^°
Let's hope it's just some sort of premature home sickness :D
Years ago i gave myself the Nickname "Esclava del Chaos" (Slave of Chaos). Part of the reason is that i thought i was .. kind of crazy. Turned out that it is in fact an illness, so it had nothing to do with me being too weak to pull things off. But there is another reason, and this one still exists.
I feel like i'm in the middle of Chaos or some kind of fog. I dont see whats next, what my surroundings really are etc. And thanks to that i cant make plans for the future, i feel shallow too. I feel like beeing surrounded by many,many,gazillions of colorfoul and exciting moments which i can only watch and never get to touch them. For example, when i'm doing something i like, e.g. going to the cinema with friends, i have fun. On the surface. But inside it seems unreal to me. So i laugh and have a good time, knowing that my real laughter and happiness is something else. Am i hypocritical?But i WANT to let all these feelings touch the inside of my heart and not only the surface. I just dont know how to do that. Well, just wanted to share this with you,since it came to my mind now. But i have to go, so cyu next time ^-^
The last days and weeks (!) were quite peaceful and happy. I felt better and even started to believe i could change and get my life back together. I celebrated a friend's birthday with cakes, sweets, laughter and much fun. My hair grew longer!! In short, all went well.
To be honest, it's still the same. At least the outer circumstances etc. I dont know when it came, but i'm...well, not happy anymore ^^°
Maybe because i learned how some people see life and cope with it. I knew it, but to actually see it and hear about it is something different. I'm not the only one who feels out of place, who fakes her smile to get along with the rest. Yeah, i knew it. Still, it caught me off guard. I know that i cant be of any help, but i so wished to change maybe a liiiittle bit, so life could be a itsy bitsy brigther for them. If i cant do that, what else am i doing here?
(Beware: self-pity) I am a daugther, who only causes inconvenience, a sister who cant gain the trust of her brother, i have no job, i'm doing nothing at all except wallow in self-pity.
I feel so dishonest and horrible. Everyone thinks i'm sweet and nice. But i no longer know if that really is me, or just a fake mask. I know i must be nice to people, well-mannered and have to try to not hurt them. But i no longer know if i do it, because i feel like it or just to be loved by someone. Inspired by the blog a friend of mine wrote, i began to think about all this. E.g. when a beloved person of your friend dies, as a normal human being you should think how awful and heartbreaking it must be for your friend. Ok, i confess, i really think that. But withouth any feelings. At least i dont see them. Then again, who defines what's "normal"? Maybe the strange thing we feel/not feel when someone else is unhappy is "normal"? Who knows, no one can look right into your head after all. Means, it could be that we torture ourselves with these thoughts although its 'ok' the way we are.
So basically i have another gloomy day when i think how unspecial and needless i am, hooray. Good luck i know my medicaments will get rid of these feelings soon enough. Till then, wait and wonder.
But today i'm not only normally depressed, i am soo pissed off too! How can this world, this society dare make my friends feel unwanted or not normal?!? How DARE YOU make them suffer! Make all these kind people suffer!!! I just want them, and me, to be able to do what they want without being afraid of being labeld "crazy" or something. I have to deal with some problems myself, so why cant it happen once or twice that i can actually HELP someone? Again, i dont know if i really want it, or if i just think this way to make people see me as a nice person...But at this point..doesnt matter. I think what i think. At least with these "good" thoughts i could possibly, maybe, perhaps make someone else happy. Since right know i'm just a piece of flesh and clothes that hangs around and freeloads, it would be a nice change -.-
Ok, to finish this big load of verbal crap... I am a girl in a good country to grow up, i went to school, i still have both parents and even a brother, i have friends and i'm not so ugly that people run away shrieking when they see me. All that i know. Still i have problems and for that i am ashamed. Hey really, there are people out there who have to KILL to SURVIVE or some who die of hunger, where i am gaining weight just because i'm bored or sad. And i cant change anything at all.
After all this chaotic nonsense, i leave you with a song of my idol Miyavi. I flout on lyrics, i just like the vibes and feelings music can give off, so i wont post the lyrics. Just listen and let Miyavi's song touch your soul
Today i was on a demonstration against ACTA ^-^
It was an interesting experience. It was freezing cold so my friend and I were talking and giggling too much to keep us warm. Does that make sense? Well for me, it does. I get hyper and jittery when its so cold. So we stood there, tried to understand what exactly the talkers told us - they talked too low or too fuzzy - and had fun with every stupid thing we saw XD The speech- or better, all i could understand from it - didnt tell me anything new, so i just stood there, while my toes died off. Finally the crowd started their walk through the city. In front of us the car with the organizer and a long line of mainly young people following behind. My friend and i were right behind the car and it was cool to see how many bypassers started to look and tried to read what our signs said. Yes, i know, we wont solve the problem with just walking happily together. But at least we could get more people to know that ACTA exists and the danger it implies. And more news reported about it ;)
It was very cool to see that we could DO something. Not very much, but hey, better than nothing, right? And since i witnessed how the americans killed Troy Davis despite reasonable doubt, i am happy to see that i can trust humanity a tiny bit again. Though, of course, ACTA isnt dead yet. But thats only a matter of time ;)
Charged up with the energy i gained today, i will now go and try to sleep. Lets see if i suceed XD
Bye
Today i want to write about a few things 1. ACTA I know i dont know all the details and that maybe i dont understand all what it means. BUT. I know that when i heard about ACTA (SOPA etc too), i felt a cool chill running down my spine. We wouldnt be able to use the freedom of the internet. Thoughts wont be shared and discussed, some people will never get the help they need (like, post you need a new kidney etc), Ideas wont reach other people...All this and more could happen if they push it through. George Orwell may be off base regarding the date, but as you can see, 'Big Brother' is a very realistic danger.
Tomorrow i'll attend a demo, thats the least thing i can do. Wish us luck ^-^ 2.A friend of mine (i mean you little kohaku-chan ;) ) wondered why she updated her blog only when negative things happened. Since i cant leave a comment, i want to answer in this way and tell you too by the way. When you are happy, what do you think about? The things that make you happy. That Life is great. That you could do everything. So you are too preoccupied to think about bad things. When something bad happens, you always wonder, WHY did it happen? Why did it happen to YOU? What could you have done better? So, you see, you automatically spend more time wondering about bad incidents. That doesnt mean that you are an overly pessimistic person. *pokes kohaku*
3. I'm making progress!! *yay* I have a cool pocket calender to plan and control my everyday life. This calender fulfills all my needs....Well, almost *fg* And it works, i'm doing so much more things! I'm even in a better mood, nearly every day and almost all day long :D I'm starting to believe that i could move out and get a job this year, and that would be GREAT! More than that, wonderful, marvellous!!!
If this lasts, i think i'll throw a Celebration Party that would outshine Pinkie Pie's Parties! XD
I love Games! Unfortunately i cant play them ^^° I'm way too nervous for that (e.g. Legend of Zelda, Resident Evil or such games). Nevertheless i want to see them too, so i beg my friends to play them for me, so i can sit beside them and watch :D
Last game i saw is Legend of Zelda - Skyward Sword. My brother started to play and even asked me to help! Yay XD I seem to be kind of a genius concerning Zelda-Riddles *hrhr* Still not the same as playing myself, but at least i can do SOMEthing. And of course i have my hands free to take pictures. Like this one
Thats my cat Merlin, sitting atop my brother. Seems that my brothers back is a cosy place to him XD And of course he too can observe what my brother is playing ;) So i'm not the only spectator, next time i should make some popcorn *lol*
So this is the new start, lets see what 2012 will offer us :D
But first i want to update my bodyarts *g* In December i got my 3rd Tattoo
Its a rune, also from the 'Mortal Instruments'/'Infernal Devices' Book series. Its called 'Parabatai' and means sisters/brothers in battle and beyond. The two Persons who carry this rune on their bodies are friends more close than even family can be. The Quote below is in Dothraki and means 'Blood of my Blood'. My best friend Tink and i went to the tattoo studio and endured the "pains" (it wasnt that bad *yay*) together. And now we are marked for lifetime *hehe*
So i start this year with three signs on my body: Chaos, Fortitude and Parabatai. The new year can come, i am prepared XD
And it begins quite nice. Soon i'll be able to visit my Family in Spain again, after two years!! Miss them, especially my cute little granny *cuddle*
My Goals this year are simple, staying happy or getting happier. Get a job, at least parttime. Win the "Discussion" with my dad. And make my Cosplay ^-^
I hope 2012 brings as much luck and happiness to you as it can!! Lets make this year OUR year ;)
