Fissures

The last days and weeks (!) were quite peaceful and happy. I felt better and even started to believe i could change and get my life back together. I celebrated a friend's birthday with cakes, sweets, laughter and much fun. My hair grew longer!! In short, all went well.
To be honest, it's still the same. At least the outer circumstances etc. I dont know when it came, but i'm...well, not happy anymore ^^°
Maybe because i learned how some people see life and cope with it. I knew it, but to actually see it and hear about it is something different. I'm not the only one who feels out of place, who fakes her smile to get along with the rest. Yeah, i knew it. Still, it caught me off guard. I know that i cant be of any help, but i so wished to change maybe a liiiittle bit, so life could be a itsy bitsy brigther for them. If i cant do that, what else am i doing here?
(Beware: self-pity) I am a daugther, who only causes inconvenience, a sister who cant gain the trust of her brother, i have no job, i'm doing nothing at all except wallow in self-pity.
I feel so dishonest and horrible. Everyone thinks i'm sweet and nice. But i no longer know if that really is me, or just a fake mask. I know i must be nice to people, well-mannered and have to try to not hurt them. But i no longer know if i do it, because i feel like it or just to be loved by someone. Inspired by the blog a friend of mine wrote, i began to think about all this. E.g. when a beloved person of your friend dies, as a normal human being you should think how awful and heartbreaking it must be for your friend. Ok, i confess, i really think that. But withouth any feelings. At least i dont see them. Then again, who defines what's "normal"? Maybe the strange thing we feel/not feel when someone else is unhappy is "normal"? Who knows, no one can look right into your head after all. Means, it could be that we torture ourselves with these thoughts although its 'ok' the way we are.
So basically i have another gloomy day when i think how unspecial and needless i am, hooray. Good luck i know my medicaments will get rid of these feelings soon enough. Till then, wait and wonder.
But today i'm not only normally depressed, i am soo pissed off too! How can this world, this society dare make my friends feel unwanted or not normal?!? How DARE YOU make them suffer! Make all these kind people suffer!!! I just want them, and me, to be able to do what they want without being afraid of being labeld "crazy" or something.  I have to deal with some problems myself, so why cant it happen once or twice that i can actually HELP someone? Again, i dont know if i really want it, or if i just think this way to make people see me as a nice person...But at this point..doesnt matter. I think what i think. At least with these "good" thoughts i could possibly, maybe, perhaps make someone else happy. Since right know i'm just a piece of flesh and clothes that hangs around and freeloads, it would be a nice change -.-
Ok, to finish this big load of verbal crap... I am a girl in a good country to grow up, i went to school, i still have both parents and even a brother, i have friends and i'm not so ugly that people run away shrieking when they see me. All that i know. Still i have problems and for that i am ashamed. Hey really, there are people out there who have to KILL to SURVIVE or some who die of hunger, where i am gaining weight just because i'm bored or sad. And i cant change anything at all.
After all this chaotic nonsense, i leave you with a song of my idol Miyavi. I flout on lyrics, i just like the vibes and feelings music can give off, so i wont post the lyrics. Just listen and let Miyavi's song touch your soul