Years ago i gave myself the Nickname "Esclava del Chaos" (Slave of Chaos). Part of the reason is that i thought i was .. kind of crazy. Turned out that it is in fact an illness, so it had nothing to do with me being too weak to pull things off. But there is another reason, and this one still exists.
I feel like i'm in the middle of Chaos or some kind of fog. I dont see whats next, what my surroundings really are etc. And thanks to that i cant make plans for the future, i feel shallow too. I feel like beeing surrounded by many,many,gazillions of colorfoul and exciting moments which i can only watch and never get to touch them. For example, when i'm doing something i like, e.g. going to the cinema with friends, i have fun. On the surface. But inside it seems unreal to me. So i laugh and have a good time, knowing that my real laughter and happiness is something else. Am i hypocritical? But i WANT to let all these feelings touch the inside of my heart and not only the surface. I just dont know how to do that.
Well, just wanted to share this with you,since it came to my mind now. But i have to go, so cyu next time ^-^
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